Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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