I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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