How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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