naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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