My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
