i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
