WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
