I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
