She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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