I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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