Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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