A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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