booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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