Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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