like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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