but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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