At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
