So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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