kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
