Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
