Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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