never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
