Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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