I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
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I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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