i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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