take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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