How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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