I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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