Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
