Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
