I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You did what with his pubic hair?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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