Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
