Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
