I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
