So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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