What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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