so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
