She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
