everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
