I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
