I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
