How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
