I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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