I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
