Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
