meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
