i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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