He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
