I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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