I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
