do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
