Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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