I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
