Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
