Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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