allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
