I got chris browned last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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