I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
