hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
