Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
