Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
