I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
