It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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