that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
