So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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